whenever

It's going in my dream journal even though there is no specific dreaming last night that initiated the image...more a general feeling. Plus, the perspective, always that, lately. I have another more dream scene specific image but it's largely...empty. Trying to figure out how to render it and make it visually interesting.

Talking about space...during the last week while riding the bus it's been a little more crowded than usual. On most days I sit by myself, there's enough room by far. My personal space is rarely challenged in public, I don't live in a real people-packed place. And it wasn't challenged on the bus. Earlier in the week a young guy sat in the seat next to me, not looking at me, you know - pretending that we're not sitting next to each other. Thank god he wasn't a jiggler. He seemed pretty calm actually, just rather indifferent to my presence. Which is okay. And then a couple days later, a young woman sat down next to me (she wasn't a jiggler either, and she didn't holler into her cell phone the entire ride, so...both of my traveling companions were pleasant and also not stinky like The Great Unwashed stinky).

But you know...I liked sitting next to someone. Anonymously. We didn't have to make chitchat, neither of us felt obliged or inclined. But I gotta say it was rather companionable. Simple human proximity and warmth. Reminded me how much I really do wish that we as a race/society/culture were more friendly and that the world was a safe place with safe people to do that with.

I could see how people get off on stuff like brushing up against other people, developing fetishes. Nah nah nah I'm not condoning pedophilia or inappropriate groping or any of that shit. We're fucking lonely though. And needy. In want of companionship. We're social creatures. And we find ways to cope or deal.

My art is my lover these days. Now I begin to understand the phrase 'married to your ___________'. Sometimes I wonder if I'm besotted with the whole process - but that would imply a certain sort of...well maybe a lack of depth. And I feel deeply about my art. But I notice that for several months now I have been experiencing many of the same rushy woozy tingly feelings I get when I've either got a crush on someone or am seriously interested in someone and who knows if it's love, I don't know, I'm not going to tackle that whole concept tonight.

Am I confusing passion with narcissism? I don't think so. Although I may have a touch of the fever of both in measures. Hee.

I watched Bjork's Pagan Poetry Video again tonight. It's been..oh god..a couple years since I watched it last?? I got the same shivers, shudders, and tears that I usually do when I watch it. I find it and her completely and utterly riveting.

It's later now, I'm editing the post. Man, that illustration of mine is unnerving. It looks like I'm gonna fall off the edge of the Parquet World, which is very small and flat. Didn't quite capture the slope of vanishing point, which is admittedly off-canvas. Well, so be it, and let this be a lesson to me.