Our second exam was today. I dragged my phlegmy self to school and sat for the test. Just sitting for it was a miracle. Couldn't even answer a couple of the questions (can't remember any test I couldn't at least answer something about). Any failing or near-failing grade from this class is NOT A FUNCTION of not studying. Yes that is a joke, laced with venom. If you've taken pre-calculus then you know it's all about functions, their transformations, inverses, ad nauseum. Am in a very foul mood about it all and wondering, once again, just what the hell I'm doing on the planet.
One thing I should like to take away from all this: if in the future I apply myself as assiduously to art studies as I have to math (an average of twenty hours a week outside of class), I will surely be able to support myself and not need to go flip burgers somewhere, BFA/MFA/MLS degree or degrees notwithstanding.
Also: I really need to learn how to chill out. Hypertension runs in the family, I think. I mean my brother? When he was alive? Hypertension (I look a lot like him here). My sister? (love you sis, not a criticism) She's hyper too. Perfectionism. That sort of thing.
Look who really wants to read all this anyway? Whatever, I need to rant, and I'm doing it here, since we still have the internet in all its (relative) neutrality and free speech.
It's only math. But it's also more than math because we are human beings with our dramas and psychological complexes, insecurities and everything, doing math. Just like, say, a food addiction or disorder isn't about food (I am an authority on this subject, and I don't say that with arrogance) -- math isn't just a linear process, about crunching numbers.
I feel like I'm wasting my time. But I guess I'm only wasting it if I focus on how shitty I feel (even though, I must say once again, I really do feel shitty).....I don't know. How can math lead me to question the existential meaning of life? I thought I put all that behind me, dammit! Maybe meaning is the sort of human construct that.......never mind.