Saturday, May 15, 2010

saturday - may 15

I wanted to get wasted tonight. So bad. But you know what? I didn't. A dozen times I about walked over to the market, bought a pack of cigarettes and some alcohol. Instead, I drew (a little bit, and then thought again about how great a cigarette and a beer would be). And then, I actually did a few algebra problems (and thought how fucking awesome a cigarette and a beer would be). I paced around a lot. I talked myself off the ledge, or at least....away from the very edge of the ledge and reminded myself that neither of those things would really make me feel better in the long run. Dammit!! Finally, it was dark and I felt somehow safer. I made a huge bowl of popcorn, and watched Yes Man (pretty fun show). I ate two huge bowls of popcorn, actually. And a few other things....

but I did NOT smoke any cigarettes, or drink any beer, and get blitzed. So I won't feel like shit tomorrow. Even though I ate a huge amount of food. I think this is the first time in my life that I've done any sort of binge eating and actually felt good about it. And me and binge, we go a long way back.

I'm full, and sleepy, so goodnight. Here are a couple sketches from this morning's drawing session. I almost packed up and walked out the door so many times. Willem de Kooning said he never felt peaceful or pure while painting, or as a result of it. When I read that, I felt angry and also relieved.

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